Something that we're seeing more and more of online, is the world of self-development.
It's everywhere from Will Smith, to love him or hate him Jay Shetty, and hundreds of feel good 'know your worth' style memes.
All of this on top of the more traditional self-development coaches, speakers and writers.
And while this is all great...how do you know where to start when it comes to your own self-development? I mean, reading a positive and uplifting meme every day is great - but is it really going to change your life?
Likewise how do you know that this book, or that course, or programme is actually going to help YOU.
Well, you don't know...so you end up drifting from one thing to the next, trying out all of these different approaches to self-development. You may attend seminars or talks in your spare time, you'll listen to inspirational podcasts on your way to work..and you'll read books at night that promise to help improve your life...
And your life does improve a little...
But never as much as you'd hoped...and it doesn't feel very permanent either.
As soon as another big life challenge comes your way, you feel like you're back to square one and doomed to stay in this limited, negative state of mind forever.
However, something really beautiful that I've noticed recently with clients who have done all of the above for many years - but were still searching for that 'something' that was really going to improve their lives; is how things start to shift for them when they learn about the Inside-Out Paradigm of Psychology.
You can actually see the change in their face...
They go from living in a state of complete overwhelm, where they're close to breaking down in tears at any given moment, with no real hope of positive, permanent change...to suddenly looking 'lighter' and less burdened.
They're able to start making sense of things more easily in their lives...and no longer look plagued by worry and anxiety about the future. They're much better able to deal with whatever challenge they're facing, without breaking down - or needing to be in complete control of everything.
They're visibly more content and more at peace with life.
They're genuinely happy.
And all of this comes from a simple but powerful understanding of how your mind really works...and where your feelings actually come from - and where they absolutely do not come from.
Understanding how your mind works doesn't take years of self-development practices, or lots of 'inner-game' work...it's so much simpler than that. You just need to sit and listen to the truth of how you actually work...and then see this truth playing out in your own life.
It's like putting on a pair of new transformational glasses and seeing the same world that you've been living in all this time, through a totally different lens. And a life-changing lens at that...
So if you're like these clients who have been desperately seeking the form of self-development that's *really* going to change things for you; then know that it starts and ends with the Inside-Out Paradigm of Psychology.
It's the foundation of all my coaching in my Effortless Relationships live online monthly coaching programme. This programme not only focuses on marriage and personal relationships - but also on the most important relationship you can have - the one with yourself.
Because if you're not in a good place yourself, then what hope is there for any of your other relationships...
This programme is also my way of ensuring that this powerful, life-changing truth reaches as many people as possible (which is also why it's priced ridiculously low).
Here's where to go find out all the details:
And then I hope to see you on the other, life-changing side, in our next Effortless Relationships coaching call on Monday 2nd December 🙂
Something that my clients can struggle with when they're going through a particularly tough time, is the fact that their friends and family are talking about them...
Everything about their lives is out in the open, and knowing that everyone is talking about it is one extra burden that they just don't want to deal with.
And whilst things may die down eventually, there always seems to be one person, or maybe a few people, who never seem to lose interest in 'discussing' what's going on in your life. Every step of the way, you can pretty much guarantee that they're going to have an opinion - and through the grapevine you're going to find out what that opinion is. Welcome or not..
So how do you stop this?
How do you get these people to take their noses out of your business and stop talking about you once and for all...
You could try telling them directly not to talk about you like one client did...but with very limited success, because as soon as something 'interesting' happened the gossiping started up all over again.
Not to mention how hard it would be to try and police what others are saying when you're not around...
Or, you could realise that when people are talking about you in this way, it actually has nothing to do with you.
Deep down, it’s their way of feeling a bit better about themselves.
All of this judgmental thinking and talking about you comes from only one place - and that's the nafs, the ego. And the ego has a very clever way of making us believe that we need to do or have certain things, or be a certain way, in order to feel good about ourselves.
Likewise it tricks us into believing that if we don't do/have/say certain things, then we won't feel OK.
And it's this illusion that leads us to do things like talk about other people negatively, because it gives us a temporary boost in feeling better about ourselves - because they're supposedly doing worse than us in whatever aspect of life we've focused on.
But the temporary feeling is just that, and so to keep it around it needs regular boosting, by you guessed it, continuing to talk about others.
It's only when people start to understand the real source of feeling, and see clearly that their feelings of well-being and feeling good about themselves can only come from one place; that they stop paying attention to their nafs/ego and all of the desires that come from this place.
They stop doing things that they innocently believed would make them feel better about themselves (like talking about others); because they realise it just doesn't work that way.
They realise that those good feelings can only ever come from thought in the moment...and not from anything outside of that.
But until people realise this powerful truth for themselves, they're going to continue doing the things that they innocently, but incorrectly believe will make them feel good about themselves..
And the best thing we can do, as the one being talked about - is realise that this is what's actually happening and how it has absolutely nothing to do with us at all.
It’s just a reflection of their own state of thinking and feeling in the moment.
You could be achieving great things in life and doing really well - and people will talk about you. Likewise you could be doing not so great and having a really tough time of things - and people will still talk about you.
It’s actually got nothing to do with you.
It's them needing to feel good about themselves...
So with that in mind, you're free to completely ignore and pay no attention whatsoever to anything negative that anyone has to say about you...because it's really not about you at all.
If you know that this makes sense, but you also know that you're going to find it hard to live by this in your own life; then you should definitely join us in our next Effortless Relationships live monthly coaching session. We regularly delve deep into topics like this, so that you can live your life with less of a burden on your shoulders, and feel more at peace with where you are in your own life.
And you get to be coached by me 1-1 too :)
Here are all the details to join before we go live on Monday 2nd December:
One of the most important things we can do when it comes to self-care, is having time alone and our own space to do whatever we want - even if that's absolutely nothing.
It doesn't always need to be about the spa trips, or hair and nail treatments (which are lovely too), but sometimes it's more beneficial to have a much more regular plan built into your week, that really does help you rest, re-energise and feel like you again.
For me it's every Sunday...
It's when my kids are with their dad and I have the whole day to myself.
And I'll be busy that day doing whatever comes to me at the time, whether it's spending the afternoon shopping, going for dinner with friends, or just being able to be at home with no one needing me or calling me for anything. If I want to sit on the sofa all day, I can. And as a single mum of two, there is no bigger luxury - I'll take that any day over a one hour massage.
However, because other people also know that I have the whole day to myself, they innocently think you're 'free' that day. Because you don't have anything 'to do' right?
Doing absolutely nothing is doing something! And when I first started using my Sundays in this way, I had to turn down so many invites from my mum for example, to lunch or afternoon tea etc, almost on a weekly basis, just so that I could protect my time alone.
It may sound harsh, but it's not.
I see my mum and family at other times throughout the week, and I make time for my friends when it works well for all of us.
But if I give away my Sunday too, when all I may want to do is stay home and do pretty much nothing; then I never end up having that sacred space to myself, to just wind down and stop for a moment. To stop going from chore to chore, from conversation to conversation, from question to question, from errand to errand. It's non-stop Monday-Saturday for me, so if I continue running about on a Sunday too, just so that others don't get offended by me turning down their invite, then I'm not practicing any kind of self-care whatsoever. I'm putting everyone else before me 7 days a week.
And that doesn't work for me...especially as an introvert.
Now some of you may not even have a whole day or even part of a day to have for yourselves, but even if you can carve out just a couple of hours a week, the concept remains the same.
Those 2 hours, or however long it is, need to be regular and most importantly protected. They can't be easily cancelled or moved to next week just because something else has come up - it's needs to be a priority in your weekly schedule.
Something that you can look forward to and afterwards really feel like it helped you to relax and feel human again.
Have a look at your weekly calendar and routine, and see if there is a window of time that you can close off for yourself, whether it be in the evenings, daytime, or over the weekend. And close it off to yourself each and every week if you can. Because sometimes it's the little things that are done regularly, that are most beneficial to our emotional well-being over the long term.
And people will soon get used to the fact that that time, is your time, and they'll bother you less, because you've put that boundary in place for yourself.
Self-care can appear selfish to others in these circumstances, and maybe it is, but if you don't look out for number #1, then who will?
If you find it hard to put yourself first, and feel too overwhelmed to have any sort of time for self-care in your life, then it really helps to stop and take a breather and start looking at things from a different perspective.
One where you're not being so hard on yourself, and actually finding the time look after yourself more - physically and emotionally.
The first step I took in self-care was getting regular monthly coaching, which changed so much for me that I'd be here all day if I started writing about it. But until you take a step yourself towards positive change, then you can pretty much expect things to stay the same.
But if you are interested in positive change, then here's exactly where to go:
Something that we all fall into after divorce, is searching for a new relationship prematurely.
We're so used to living with someone, and having a partner around all the time, that it can feel really weird and uncomfortable when we're alone.
Especially if we start looking at other couples, either in our circle of friends and family, in movies, on Instagram etc etc. Wherever we turn there's bound to a happy couple somewhere seemingly shoving their happiness down our throats. So naturally we feel like we really need to get on with finding someone new...
Because being lonely sucks right? I mean, who wants to sit there all alone, watching Netflix with no one else to talk to once the kids have gone to bed?
I'll tell you who...
But let me be very clear on what I mean by this..
Now don't get me wrong, would I like to have a great guy in my life who I could chill out with in the evenings and enjoy their company? Yes.
And when I think about having that, I do feel a little lonely I guess, and that's OK. And it soon passes when my thinking changes to something else, which it always does.
But are there also many times, where my situation hasn't changed at all, and I don't feel lonely in the slightest. In fact far from it - you'll often catch me dancing around the house as if I didn't have a care in the world. Because I see the beauty and blessings in being by myself, compared to being with the wrong person. And when I'm dancing around the house doing my laundry, I'm quietly thanking God for the peace in my life, because I could just as easily be sharing my home with someone who isn't right for me and having to deal with all the challenges that come with that.
Most importantly, I'm in a healthy relationship with myself.
And what that means for me is that because I've fixed the relationship with myself first, I find it a lot easier to feel content with life, whilst I wait for that special person to you know, fall out of the sky or randomly bump into me at the supermarket, lol.
But the point I'm trying to make here is the importance of being in the right relationship - with yourself.
If you're in the right relationship with yourself, you'll seldom feel lonely, and when you do, you'll be OK with it. It won't weigh heavily on you at all.
But if you're in the wrong relationship with yourself, and you feel like something is missing in your life in order for you to feel happy, then you're always going to be looking for someone else to come along and fill that void for you, in the form of a relationship. Hence you feeling lonely a lot of the time, because that void can never be filled by another person.
You could be in a relationship and still feel lonely.
A lot of women carry this fear of being alone with them throughout their divorce process and beyond.
And it can make something that's already challenging, even more difficult to navigate. But during this process, there's only one person you need to be in a relationship with, and by relationship I mean supporting, loving, caring and being there for someone - and that's yourself.
And once you're happy by yourself - you're in the best possible place to welcome a new relationship into your life and share that happy with someone else.
In the meantime, I'm happy ogling the eye candy on my Instagram feed, until Mr Right makes an appearance 😉
And if you'd also love to get to a place where you're happy and content within yourself first, then my ‘Effortless Relationships’ live, online coaching programme is definitely where you need to be.
As well as regular monthly coaching, you’ll also get access to my 5-Part online Effortless Relationships digital training programme - and for a little taster you can get the first module completely free, by going here:
Something I come across again and again with my clients, is just how powerful our storytelling powers are. You do it too by the way...
That's right, all those times you sit there and play out a movie in your mind of how you think things are going to play out tomorrow/next week/next year etc...even years into the future.
We may as well grab a bag of popcorn and snuggle up on the sofa whilst we watch this movie play out in our minds - because it's really detailed and you don't want to miss anything...
I mean, you go over exactly what the situation will be, what the other person may do or say in said situation, what you'll then say in return - or even worse - what will you say in return?!
And then you're thinking about all the consequences of that situation and how it will affect not only your life, but everyone else's.
And before you know it, you're really stressed out trying to deal with this situation!
But if you were to have an out of body type experience and float up above your head and look down at yourself, you'd see that you're sat on the sofa, eating popcorn, and not much else. Everything around you is calm, and pretty normal. And most importantly, you're absolutely fine.
And this is your actual reality.
It's inside your head where all the drama is happening.
That's where the made-up, imaginary movies are going full force and taking you down all kinds of different routes and throwing even more problematic situations at you to deal with. And very quickly you start to experience all of the feelings that go along with this thinking - fear, anxiety, frustration, annoyance - you name it!
But none of it is real. None of it is actually happening.
And lets pretend for argument's sake that something you're concerned about did end up happening in the future.
Do you not trust that in that moment, you'll find a way to deal with it and know how to work through it, just as you've done countless times in your life already?
We can grow so used to creating these imaginary movies in our minds of how we think things will play out in the future, that this is where we end up living most of the time. In the made-up reality in our minds, created solely by the thinking we're having in that moment, and nothing else.
You wanna know what's real? You reading this right now.
Nothing else that you're worried about in the future has happened yet - and may not ever happen either. So why not give yourself a break, and switch off from the future (and the past for the matter); and come back to the present moment. And deal with whatever is going on for you right now in this moment instead. And then do the same tomorrow, and the day after that.
It's a pretty good formula for a stress-free life.
And it's exactly the type of thing you'll become more aware of and better able to deal with, in my live monthly coaching programme ‘Effortless Relationships’.
Not only do we focus on marriage and relationships, but we also go deep into how to manage your own emotions, so that you end up becoming a stronger, less anxious, more confident and happier person all around - that's genuinely content with life.
But that's probably not gonna happen if you continue to spend most of your time living (and stressing) in that made up movie world in your mind...
This live coaching programme also includes access to my 5-Part online Effortless Relationships training programme -and I’ve made the first module available for free. Here’s where to get it:
One of my earliest memories as a child is being in a sweet shop waiting to pay, and seeing the man before me pull out several pound coins to pay for his selection of chocolate.
Only having a small amount of pocket money myself, I stood there in amazement at how much he was able to buy with all of those gold coins.
It was like my own little Charlie and the Chocolate Factory moment.
I couldn't wait to grow up and have lots of money like this man, so that I too could buy myself as much chocolate as I wanted.
I'd be really happy then.
What actually happened though, is that although I grew up and my pocket contained these same gold coins I'd once dreamed about, my focus was now on other things. I would be happy when...
We can innocently spend most of our lives living by this 'I'll be happy when...' type thinking.
We believe that something outside of us needs to happen in order for us to be happy and feel like we've made it in life.
And when the things on our list don't happen, or don't unfold as we wanted them to, we can easily start to think and believe that we've failed in life and in our mission to be happy. Instead of feeling happy, we end up feeling lost.
However we're only ever lost in an illusion.
And it's one that we've made up entirely ourselves. And because we've made it up ourselves, it's super easy to let go of it and experience real, lasting happiness that doesn't require anything outside of us to happen, in order to show up in our lives.
If you want to let go of this unhelpful and never ending stream of 'I'll be happy when...' type thinking, then you're going to love my ‘Effortless Relationships’ live coaching programme.
You'll discover how to see through this illusion in all areas of your life so that you can start to live life from your highest self (which coincidentally is also your happiest self).
This live monthly coaching programme also includes access to my 5-part online ‘Effortless Relationships’ video training - but you can get the first module for free by going here:
One of my favourite tracks is 'Bag Lady' by Erykah Badu, where she sings of a woman so loaded with bags, that she runs into a whole host of problems in her life.
Bag Lady is breaking her back carrying so much stuff around. It gets in her way to the point where she can't move at the speed she needs to, and when men see her approaching with all those bags - they run a mile.
And the man that doesn't initially run, soon gets completely overwhelmed and overcrowded by all the bags she carries with her. So he'll probably end up running too.
'Pack light'sings Erykah.
Pack light by letting go of your past relationship pain, fears and insecurities, even if you feel it's hard.
You may feel that someone has hurt you so badly in the past that you can't possibly let it go.
But just like Bag Lady, you jeopardise ruining future relationships by overcrowding your mind and your relationship, with so much emotional baggage.
The truth is, it's actually really simple to let go of your past - as simple as letting bags just drop to the floor.
It doesn't involve special mind tricks, or having to 'deal with' your past. It's just a simple, but transformational way of understanding how your mind really works.
And when you get this understanding, you're able to quickly bounce back from break-ups and heartbreak, so that you don't carry any needy energy, drama or emotional baggage around with you in your current relationship - or when you meet new people.
Don't break your back, or your relationship.
Let go of your emotional baggage for good and move forward towards a happier, easier and most definitely lighter marriage.
And if this sounds too hard to do, then you should go right here: www.ptissem.com/free
Or check the link in my bio to go straight to Baggage Drop.