 One of my all-time favourite TV shows is The Affair.
Apart from the great acting, it has a unique way of playing out its story-line. The events in the show unfold by viewing it through the perspectives of both the main characters, Noah and Alison. Each episode has a Part 1 and a Part 2, and each part gives you their unique perspective on the same events. It can be both intriguing and very entertaining to see how differently the story is shown from each person's perspective. The same event is altered to reflect how differently they recall past events and interestingly, how they see themselves and each other. Whilst watching the most recent episode I got to thinking about how realistic this actually was. How could they both have sometimes quite different versions of the same event? But then I realised that this actually happens to us all of the time, without us even realising what's going on. And it's down to a simple truth about how we actually experience life day to day. We all go through life living in our 'own world'. We throw this statement around a lot without realising just how much truth it holds. Every day, we get up and experience the same things other people do, but we’ll have an entirely different experience of it, because we live that experience through our own thoughts. The very nature of thought itself, means no two people can have the same thoughts, or think the exact same way. It's why we can often watch the same movie as other people, but leave the cinema with an entirely different experience of it. Our thoughts create our experience, so when we're in a particular situation, or we're watching a movie, or having a conversation with someone, we're experiencing it all through our own thinking. And because of this, no two people can have the exact same experience of something. So with this in mind, the focus can switch from wondering why two people aren't thinking the same thing, and perhaps even thinking that there is something wrong with one of them because of that; to understanding that everyone will always be living in their own separate reality and it's 100% OK if someone doesn't think the same way we do. When we stop wondering why someone isn't thinking the same way as us, we end up dropping all of the unhelpful thinking and reactions that we may have previously had - such as frustration, upset, annoyance and anger. We accept that they cannot think the same way we do, even if we believe it would be better if they did. The natural consequence of this in our relationships, is that we become better listeners, better communicators and better at just being there and being present with whatever is happening in the moment, rather than wasting our time and energy wondering why our partner doesn't think or feel the same way we do. We see through the illusion and accept each other's perspectives, rather than being annoyed and frustrated by them. If you’d like to experience this shift in your marriage and learn the secret to dropping so many of the often unnecessary and unhelpful expectations that we have of our partner and ourselves; then this is exactly what we delve into in my ‘Effortless Relationships’ coaching programme. As well as live group coaching calls, you also get access to my 5-part online ‘Effortless Relationships’ digital training. And because you’re reading this right now, you can go here and watch the first module completely free: www.ptissem.com/free Love, Ptissem
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When my ex husband finally accepted that we wouldn't be getting back together, he quietly agreed that he would give me my Islamic divorce.
All I needed to do was round up a couple of witnesses he said, go to his home and it would all be taken care of. Whilst I busied myself with taking care of the UK civil divorce, I felt reassured that the Islamic divorce was just a logistical matter that would get taken care of, once I managed to find a suitable time for everyone to get together. So you can imagine my surprise when I brought the conversation up again with my ex, only for him to tell me that actually, he'd changed his mind and no longer wanted to grant me the divorce. He didn't want any of the 'blame' he argued. So, knowing my rights as a Muslim woman, I told him that was fine, and that I'd take the longer route of applying for the 'Khula' divorce myself. To which he basically laughed in my face and said 'you can't do that'. He genuinely believed that a Muslim woman could only get divorced Islamically, if the man divorced her. And if he didn't, then she'd be classed as his forever. His ignorance left me shaking my head. In fact, in wasn't until the Islamic divorce was almost final that he seemed to really get it, and understand that yes, in Islam the woman does have the right to end her marriage - and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. It made me wonder how many other men carry this erroneous belief around with them - and more importantly - threaten their wives with it as a way of keeping them in the marriage and making them lose all hope of ever being Islamically divorced. I loved getting my Islamic divorce through the post - it was the ultimate way of showing him that he could no longer control me and that I had rights that were there to protect me. And you have those same rights too. If you need more information on the Khula divorce process for Muslim women, then message me and I'll get back to you personally. And if you want regular, live coaching support on all the other challenges that come with navigating an unhealthy or unhappy marriage - then you'll want to check out my ‘Effortless Relationships’ programme. It includes live monthly coaching and support, plus access to my Effortless Relationships 5-part online digital training programme. And you can get started by watching the first module for free, simply by going here: www.ptissem.com/free Love, Ptissem One of the biggest challenges people face when it comes to navigating their way through an unhappy marriage, is managing expectations.
This goes for people who are trying to to fix their marriage - and those that want to leave and end it for good. Both can fall into the trap of expecting things to quickly improve for the better - and for life to be easier and void of any more difficult times. And I'm sorry to burst the bubble, but life just isn't like that. And the sooner we accept this, the better we'll be able to manage not just our expectations, but also the journey we choose to pursue with all the bumps in the road that come with it. Think about it - since when was something easy worth pursuing? It's always the things that we have to work hard for in life that pay off the most - just look at what we have to go through to get a good education/career or raise a family. So in the same breath we shouldn't expect married life to be in a walk in the park - especially when we're trying to improve an unhealthy one - or make a fresh, clean break. For those that want to stay in their marriage and make positive changes to improve the relationship, they may not realise that it's the small but consistent steps that are taken over time that create lasting change in a marriage. Expecting these changes to occur overnight can lead to disappointment and frustration, as it can appear as though nothing is actually changing - even though they are - they're just changing slowly. After all, this a relationship between two human beings, and it needs feeding, nurturing and the patience to watch it grow over time. Likewise for those women who really just want to move on and start fresh, and finally end their unhealthy marriage - managing expectations is crucial. And acceptance of the fact that it's not going to be a walk in the park is a huge part of this. Leaving a marriage is never going to be easy - but accepting this and taking small, but consistent actions towards the end goal, makes the process easier to manage and way less overwhelming. As the saying goes...softlee softlee catchy monkey i.e. don't rush, and be patient with the process. You will get there insha'Allah, and removing these expectations gives us the breathing space to see things through at a much more natural pace. And that's exactly what we do in my ‘Effortless Relationships’ coaching programme, which includes live monthly coaching and support, plus access to my Effortless Relationships 5-part online digital training programme. And you can get started by watching the first module for free, simply by going here: www.ptissem.com/free Love, Ptissem |
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