I almost lost the will to live last week...
It felt like I'd spent weeks on end, trying to sort my garden out so that the kids could enjoy it as much as possible during the heatwave we were having. All I needed to do was have an outside tap installed, get a garden hose and pressure washer, clean it all up and then fill with toys and a paddling pool. Simple right?
Except it was far from.
My kitchen got flooded after the plumber had an accident.
The garden hose my mum gave me was just a pile of crap for want of a better phrase.
And the pressure washer would just spit out a few measly drops of water and refused to work.
I'd already spent so much time running around the shops trying to get all the bits and pieces I'd need, so when I got home I just wanted to connect everything up and get to work.
But no, that would be too easy wouldn't it?
Every time I thought I'd get something done today, I'd be faced with another problem, something else that wouldn't work correctly - and with no husband at home to just 'fix it' for me, I started to get slightly annoyed...
OK, that's an understatement, I got really annoyed!!
And the only person I could vent to was my brother, as I knew he wouldn't hold the barrage of swear words that I sent to him over text message against me once I'd calmed down...
Suddenly everything was against me, why was I even having to do all of these 'man' jobs anyway? Why don't things just 'work' when you plug them in? Don't they realise I don't have time for all this crap? I still have to bath and feed the kids, I don't have the time to figure out why the pressure washer won't work correctly!
So yes, suffice to say that I was a little Outside-In (OK, a lot!)
In that moment, or moments, I'd lost the plot and started to believe that my feelings came from somewhere other than my own thinking. I believed that all of this malfunctioning garden equipment was the cause of my feelings - I believed I was annoyed because nothing was going to plan. And my brother was quick to tell me that I needed to take my own advice and practice what I preach when it came to my thinking and feeling - LOL!
And this is something important that I really wanted to highlight.
Because as we start to learn about the Inside-Out Paradigm of Psychology, as we start to see that we’re only ever feeling our own thinking and the positive effects this understanding is having on our relationships; we can all too easily start to put unrealistic expectations on ourselves to always be Inside-Out. If we fall into the Outside-In illusion, where we innocently but incorrectly believe that something other than our thinking in the moment is causing our feelings; then we can easily slip into beating ourselves up and feeling down about the fact that we've 'lost' it and have gone back to our old way of thinking.
But this isn't the case at all.
We will always fall prey to the Outside-In illusion, where we believe that people, situations or circumstances are the cause of our feelings, because it's so deceptive.
But the problem here isn't falling into the Outside-In illusion - this happens to everyone.
Knowing we've fallen into the Outside-In illusion is what helps us to quickly self-correct and start to see things again from the Inside-Out.
We know that falling into the Outside-In illusion means we're not seeing things clearly and for how they really are. We know deep down that our feelings are only ever coming from our thinking in the moment - we know this to be 100% true, so even when we do fall into the Outside-In illusion, it doesn't have the same hold over us anymore.
We understand the Inside-Out Paradigm - we understand the truth of how we really work psychologically.
And so when we do feel annoyed and frustrated and we innocently but incorrectly believe that it's because of a situation we're in, or because of a certain person's behaviour or words, this Outside-In thinking and feeling doesn't last very long.
Because we know that feelings can only ever come from our thinking, we end up naturally dismissing our Outside-In thinking that is telling us otherwise, until we're no longer experiencing it.
We basically 'snap out of it' very quickly and whatever we went through no longer has any kind of hold over us.
Can you see how this would have a hugely positive effect on your relationship with your partner?
The opposite of this happens however, when we don't have the knowledge of the Inside-Out Paradigm and we don't fully understand how we work psychologically.
It ends up being a lot harder to make sense of our thoughts and feelings. If we feel annoyed, frustrated or upset, this can drag on for days, weeks and even months, because we're not clear on where our feelings are actually coming from. We innocently but incorrectly believe that something needs to change in order for us to feel OK.
We’re giving people, situations and circumstances the power to dictate how we feel - but it just doesn’t work that way.
And if we're holding onto this Outside-In thinking and feeling in our marriage, it can have a detrimental effect on repairing our relationship with our partner - and with ourselves - moving forward.
We end up becoming stuck in our Outside-In thinking and find it almost impossible to see a way out of the challenges and situations we’re facing.
If you’d like to permanently free yourself of this emotional suffering, so that it becomes easier for you to return to your natural Inside-Out state, where you’re much better able to deal with the challenges in your marriage clearly and logically, then click right here and let’s get started insha’Allah.