I came very close to plotting my ex-husband's murder this week.
It was the only solution that I could see, in that moment, to the continuous let-downs, disappointments and out-right idiocy that he seemed to expose me to, all too regularly for my liking.
When his so-called acts of stupidity (I had no other way of explaining them) reached new heights, I prayed he'd crash his new van (I know, that's really bad, I'm a really bad Muslim).
All I could see in that moment was my anger towards him and how I desperately needed some type of revenge that would equal the pain that he seemed to be inflicting upon me. And in that crazy moment, him crashing his van (and maybe dying, just saying), seemed like a rational solution.
It's funny what can seem rational to us when we're completely caught up in the Outside-In illusion. When we innocently believe that the reason we're feeling a certain way is because of something outside of us, outside of our thinking - in my case something that my ex did to me.
Sure, we can feel angry, disappointed, even vengeful. But we shouldn't overlook one very important fact. That all of those feelings are only coming from one place - our thinking, in that moment. Because in that one little distinction lies the difference between being angry and upset, and being slightly crazy and in my case a potentially dangerous murderer. (OK, disclaimer - I could never murder anyone, nor do I deep down wish for anyone to be harmed. But that wouldn't make for a very entertaining article would it?)
So back to this very important distinction and what that means for us when we're caught up in our anger, frustration and disappointment.
If we genuinely believe that someone is the reason we're feeling a certain way, then firstly we're giving that person a whole lot of power that in reality they just don't have. We're putting ourselves at the whim of that person's actions. They basically control whether or not we feel OK.
But if we can recognise that they don't have that power over us (and never have), then we can start to look at things a little differently.
When situations occur, we'll inevitably start thinking about them in a particular way. And our feelings will follow suit. Thought and feeling are one. So if I start thinking about the situation in an angry way, I'm going to start feeling angry. And this goes for every other emotional response out there.
Now you may think that I'm going to start telling you to 'positive think' your way out of the situation, to think about things calmly and in a more positive way, to help you feel better.
Nope. I'm not gonna do that.
Feel angry! Hurt, disappointed - whatever you want. Feel it.
But know that whatever you're feeling is the result of one thing and one thing only. Your thinking, in that moment. Not that person or that situation. You're having a particular stream of thoughts about the situation, and you're feeling that thinking. That's it.
Now here's another very important point.
Now that you know it's just your thinking, guess what? You don't need to give it any importance whatsoever. They're just passing thoughts and therefore passing feelings. They won't linger for any longer than you give them your attention. They will slowly dissipate until you return to your natural state of calm and presence - and with that comes a really nice, logical and insightful way of looking at and dealing with your situation (and life).
And that has to be better than life behind bars.
P.S. No ex-husbands were harmed during the making of this email and I’d like to keep it that way. If you’re having a hard time dealing with your current (or ex) husband and would love to find an easier way to sort through all your troubles, then click here to book in a totally free 90 minute Relationship Breakthrough Session with me.