acting out fake arguments..

I recently came across this meme on Instagram which I instantly shared with one of my siblings, as it was funny and rang so true, as do so many memes these days.

Memes are funny and entertaining, but we like them so much because there is always truth in them, truth that we often don't reveal unless it’s in an entertaining format such as a meme. 

The comments section for this meme was filled with people saying that they thought they were the only ones that did this - my sibling included - and then it reminded me of something I used to fall prey to so much, before coming across the Inside-Out Paradigm of Psychology. 

We can sometimes without even realising, spend so much of our time and mental energy, preparing for situations in the future. The meme highlights this perfectly and as evidenced by the comments section, thousands of people every day spend time acting out situations in their minds as if they were real and preparing themselves for the various outcomes a situation could take.

Sounds like a wise move no? What's wrong with being prepared?

When we find ourselves doing this regularly in our relationships however, what we're missing is the following:

• We actually have no idea if the situation we're preparing for is even going to happen, so we're basically wasting our time acting out an imaginary situation in our minds, that will most likely never take place. ​
• We have no control over how anything actually unfolds, so despite our best efforts to try and control a future situation from this present moment, we're only setting ourselves up for frustration and disappointment when the talk/argument doesn't go to plan. How often do we say after an argument goes south - "well that didn’t go to plan". By creating a plan in our minds of how things 'should' go, we're closing ourselves off to allowing the discussion to take its natural course and unfold in a more human way. We're way too focused on getting across the points and one liners we thought up earlier in the day, in order to have a 'successful' talk with our partner. So, are we really talking with our partners? Or are we just dumping everything we thought of earlier on them?
• Let's say the situation you imagined did actually occur one day. We're still forgetting one very important factor. We have no idea how we're going to feel in that moment. We're taking thought/feeling in the moment completely out of the equation. If I'm feeling frustrated right now and from this place of frustration I start to plan what I will or won't say in a possible future scenario, I'm assuming that I'm going to be feeling this same frustration when the situation actually happens and so it will still make sense to say everything I'm thinking of saying right now. But we have no idea how we're going to feel in the next five mins, let alone in the next few days, weeks or months. Thoughts change moment to moment and our feelings follow suit. So however we're thinking in that future moment will dictate how we feel and therefore how we communicate. We can't assume that whatever we're thinking and feeling right now is also what we'll be thinking and feeling in the future. It all depends on thought in the moment. So again, planning out what to say and how to say it, is pretty futile.
• A lot of this pre-planning when it comes to future scenarios comes from a place of worry and insecurity. If we're experiencing challenges in our relationships, we can sometimes mull over how we're going to deal with certain things and spend our precious time worrying about what we'll say and how we'll say it and the consequences of it all. It's almost as if we've decided that IF what we're concerned about should actually happen, we'd have no idea how to deal with it in that moment. Isn't that crazy? That we don't trust that we'll just know how to deal with a situation if and when it arises? Allah blesses us with wisdom and guidance all the time, we don't need to worry about how we're going to deal with future situations. We just need to deal with whatever is happening right now and if and when something else happens in the future, trust that in that moment, we'll receive the insight and understanding from Allah that will allow us to deal with that situation also.

So there really is no need to stand in the shower or lie there in bed acting out or worrying about all of these future scenarios and trying our best to prepare ourselves for them. It's totally unnecessary, because Allah has already blessed us with insight that will help guide us through everything as and when it happens. IF something does take place in the future, you can deal with it there and then. 

As for right now, empty your mind of these concerns and focus instead of what is actually happening, right now, in this present moment, because that's the only moment that actually exists. 

If you'd like help with learning how to dismiss more of these unhelpful thoughts and ways of thinking, in order to have a clearer mind and not waste so much of your mental energy unnecessarily, then you’re going to love my Inside-Out Paradigm 5-module Beginner’s Guide - an online video training programme that you get completely free when you register for a 1-1 Relationship Breakthrough coaching session with me.

Click here to learn more and to use your time and energy for something that’s actually beneficial, insha'Allah :-)

Love,
Ptissem