I recently came across a beautiful reminder from Imam ash Shafi (rahimu Allah), that was perfectly in line with the logic and wisdom of the Inside-Out Paradigm of psychology.
In this beautiful saying, we are reminded of the following: "Always hate what is wrong, but do not hate the one who errs. Hate sin with all your heart, but forgive and have mercy on the sinner. Criticise speech, but respect the speaker. Our job is to wipe out the disease, not the patient." When any of us fall into the above, when we err, sin or criticise others; it's coming from a place of misunderstanding. When we do any of these things we innocently, but mistakenly believe that we will feel a certain way, that perhaps we'll feel better about ourselves. We're desperately searching for our own well-being and our only mistake is incorrectly believing that doing any of these things will give us that. If we err, it's usually because we believed that taking or not taking a certain action would make us feel a certain way. Our path then becomes less clear and we're unsure of the most sensible steps to take. If we sin, we have momentarily fallen into the Outside-In illusion, where we innocently but incorrectly believe that something other than our thinking in the moment, can be the source of our feelings. We therefore chase these things, in the mistaken belief that they will provide us with some type of relief, happiness, or well-being, regardless of the fact that Allah's wisdom has already proven them to be no good for us. If we believe others have the power to make us feel a certain way, then our speech will be defensive, personal and maybe even aggressive. We will be speaking from a place of ego, from the Outside-In, unable to see that no one or nothing, has the power to make us feel anything. We fail to see that our feelings can only ever come from one place - our thinking in the moment. All of the above are a result of this innocent misunderstanding of where we think our feelings really come from. By believing they come from things outside of us (our circumstances, situation, other people); we will fall into this behaviour regularly. We don't do this on purpose, we're just caught up in the Outside-In illusion and are not seeing things clearly. From this perspective, as Imam ash Shafi reminds us, it makes no sense to hate the one who errs, or sins, or has undesirable speech. The ones who do this are themselves suffering from being caught in the Outside-In illusion, so we should feel empathy towards them and focus instead on wiping out the disease. And how do we wipe out this disease, how do we start to see through the Outside-In illusion? It starts with understanding how we're really experiencing life and seeing clearly for ourselves that our experience and our feelings are only ever coming from the Inside-Out. Feelings are an inside job and will only ever come from the way we're thinking in the moment. It therefore no longer makes sense to search for feelings anywhere else. Seeing this clearly is what helps wipe out the disease and leaves the patient feeling more at peace and more in tune with their true selves. When you're operating from this place, our relationships with each other naturally and effortlessly improve. We find we have more patience and empathy with each other. We don't take things so personally and because of this we get a lot less defensive when communicating and dealing with each other. We're not on edge as much and we're no longer listening to all of that limited thinking that runs through our minds, causing those all too regular low moods and emotional suffering. If you'd like to understand more about the Inside-Out Paradigm of psychology, that will improve your relationship with yourself firstly and then all your other relationships as a natural consequence of this, then click here to snap up one of the last few breakthrough sessions I have going for the next couple of weeks. Let's start wiping out that disease, insha'Allah. Love, Ptissem
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Some of my clients really want to save their marriages.
They see the good in their partner, they want things to work out and to keep their family together, insha’Allah. There’s just one small problem. They can’t stop arguing. We could have all the good intentions in the world for our marriage, but these could fall apart in a matter of seconds once an argument starts brewing. And before we know it, the argument has gone from zero to 100 and we’re sat there wondering why we’re even bothering to try and save this marriage. But what makes an argument suddenly go from zero to 100? What makes it explode from a discussion into a full blown argument? A lot of it has to do the commentary that we have running through our minds as we’re talking with our partner. We listen to their words and innocently believe that whatever they’re saying has the power to make us feel a certain way - most probably hurt, upset and angry. And because we believe that they’re the cause of these feelings during the argument, we then counter attack with our own tirade of not so nice words in order to hurt them back and in the process, make ourselves feel a little better for ‘getting them back’ so to speak. But if what we could realise that none of our feelings come from what our partner says or does? It sounds quite out there, but what if this were true (and it actually is) and during an argument we were able to focus on what was actually being discussed, on what the real issue actually is, instead of focusing on how we’re being ‘made’ to feel. If you could look at the issue at hand without your feelings being involved, how much easier would it be to resolve? I’m guessing a lot easier. Understanding where your feelings are actually coming from moment to moment, and understanding that no one or no thing has the power to make you feel anything; is the key to keeping a discussion much closer to level zero than level 100. You become much more aware of your own thoughts and feelings and how they could be proving unhelpful in these situations. Your awareness of this helps you to look at the issue more clearly, more logically and therefore reach a resolution more easily. If you’d like help in working on your marriage and turning arguments down from 100 all the way back to zero, then click here as I’m offering 5 free breakthrough sessions over the next couple of weeks. These will go quickly so click here to book yours in before they’re all gone. Love, Ptissem I came very close to plotting my ex-husband's murder this week.
It was the only solution that I could see, in that moment, to the continuous let-downs, disappointments and out-right idiocy that he seemed to expose me to, all too regularly for my liking. When his so-called acts of stupidity (I had no other way of explaining them) reached new heights, I prayed he'd crash his new van (I know, that's really bad, I'm a really bad Muslim). All I could see in that moment was my anger towards him and how I desperately needed some type of revenge that would equal the pain that he seemed to be inflicting upon me. And in that crazy moment, him crashing his van (and maybe dying, just saying), seemed like a rational solution. It's funny what can seem rational to us when we're completely caught up in the Outside-In illusion. When we innocently believe that the reason we're feeling a certain way is because of something outside of us, outside of our thinking - in my case something that my ex did to me. Sure, we can feel angry, disappointed, even vengeful. But we shouldn't overlook one very important fact. That all of those feelings are only coming from one place - our thinking, in that moment. Because in that one little distinction lies the difference between being angry and upset, and being slightly crazy and in my case a potentially dangerous murderer. (OK, disclaimer - I could never murder anyone, nor do I deep down wish for anyone to be harmed. But that wouldn't make for a very entertaining article would it?) So back to this very important distinction and what that means for us when we're caught up in our anger, frustration and disappointment. If we genuinely believe that someone is the reason we're feeling a certain way, then firstly we're giving that person a whole lot of power that in reality they just don't have. We're putting ourselves at the whim of that person's actions. They basically control whether or not we feel OK. But if we can recognise that they don't have that power over us (and never have), then we can start to look at things a little differently. When situations occur, we'll inevitably start thinking about them in a particular way. And our feelings will follow suit. Thought and feeling are one. So if I start thinking about the situation in an angry way, I'm going to start feeling angry. And this goes for every other emotional response out there. Now you may think that I'm going to start telling you to 'positive think' your way out of the situation, to think about things calmly and in a more positive way, to help you feel better. Nope. I'm not gonna do that. Feel angry! Hurt, disappointed - whatever you want. Feel it. But know that whatever you're feeling is the result of one thing and one thing only. Your thinking, in that moment. Not that person or that situation. You're having a particular stream of thoughts about the situation, and you're feeling that thinking. That's it. Now here's another very important point. Now that you know it's just your thinking, guess what? You don't need to give it any importance whatsoever. They're just passing thoughts and therefore passing feelings. They won't linger for any longer than you give them your attention. They will slowly dissipate until you return to your natural state of calm and presence - and with that comes a really nice, logical and insightful way of looking at and dealing with your situation (and life). And that has to be better than life behind bars. (Again, joking). Love, Ptissem P.S. No ex-husbands were harmed during the making of this email and I’d like to keep it that way. If you’re having a hard time dealing with your current (or ex) husband and would love to find an easier way to sort through all your troubles, then click here to book in a totally free 90 minute Relationship Breakthrough Session with me. Let's pretend it's Ramadan 2019, one whole year from now...12 months...365 days.
Can you think that far ahead? At times it's hard to even think about today or tomorrow, let alone days, weeks and months from now. When it's hard to find the energy to just get out of bed and try and put some sort of positive spin on the day ahead, how is it even possible to imagine what life will be like in a year's time? But just for one minute...let’s try and go there…let's imagine that we've fast forwarded our lives and are able to take a small peek at what our lives might look like... Have you spent the last year trying your hardest to just get through the day - and your marriage? Have you wasted precious time reliving the cycle of problems and challenges in your marriage that never seem to go away? Are you still feeling pessimistic, depressed and unable to enjoy life? Has your emotional eating gone to another level, so that it now appears almost impossible to get it under control? Has your iman sunk even lower than it was a year ago - so much so that you feel you've completely lost that connection with Allah that you once had? Did you manage to find yourself again? Or has the memory of who you were been lost, with no hope or idea of how to get her back? It’s one whole year from now.... Do you feel strong enough to save or leave your marriage yet? Are you confident enough to listen to your own inner wisdom and deal with your challenges in a practical and insightful way? Are you finally able to move past the fears and burden of making such an important decision on saving or leaving your marriage? Have you figured out the logistical steps you need to take to get you to where you so badly want to be? Have you been able to be present with your kids - or have you been so emotionally caught up with all of the above, that being emotionally present these days is a rare and fleeting experience. What if it was one whole year from now and you had actually overcome the fears and excuses that were stopping you from transforming your life for the better? What if you were able to deal with the challenges in your marriage in a much easier and less stressful way, that didn’t end up leaving you hurt and disappointed in your partner.. What if you had found yourself again and reconnected with everything that was so wonderful about the 'old you'.. What if you were now experiencing the clear mind you'd always wanted to have and were finally enjoying life, having regained the happiness that had been kept from you for so long.. What if you could clearly and undeniably see that Allah has your back and you're able to finally feel that strong connection with The One that never left you, but who you had lost sight of during those troubling times. Take a deep breath.....and imagine your life like that...at peace and free of tension. Wouldn't that be amazing? And isn’t it equally amazing to know that right now, in this present moment of Ramadan 2018, that its 100% possible to have all of that and reach that place in a year's time, or less, insha'Allah. "Allah does not change a people's condition unless they change what is in their hearts". It all starts with you. And I'd love to be there with you as you embark on this transformational and beautiful journey. But you've got to take that first step. Book in a free breakthrough session with me and let's get you on your way to finally being happy and settled. Because being stuck is no fun at all, not now, not in a year's time, not ever. Just click right here to get started. Love, Ptissem I recently read a beautiful book by Sydney Banks, called Second Chance. It tells the story of a man who after losing his wife, discovers that he also has limited time left in this world, and can't seem to make sense of the injustice of it all.
In an attempt to sooth the resentment and pain he feels towards life, he takes a trip to Hawaii and stumbles across an enlightened man who becomes a dear friend to him during his trip. After spending most of the trip together, he starts having some beautiful insights about life. Here are some of the biggest insights that I've taken away after reading this book: - That often what we're experiencing in our day to day lives, isn't actually real. It's just our own thought created perception of reality. - That sometimes we can get so bogged down with the challenges life throws at us, that we miss the beauty behind all of it. - There are deep connections available to all of us, all of the time, be that with ourselves or our loved ones, but especially with Allah. - Sometimes we are so busy, that we never quieten down enough to really listen. To listen to our own wisdom and to listen to the insights and inspiration that are always coming to us from Allah. If only we can quieten down long enough to really 'hear' them. If you'd like help overcoming the mental chatter and noise that is making it impossible to have any kind of clarity in your relationship and in your life, then click here to register for my free online relationship webinar. As a special bonus for registering you'll get the opportunity to book a free breakthrough session with me, where we'll work through the challenges you're facing and help get you to a place where it's much easier to really 'hear' the wisdom that is always trying to come through. Just click the link to get started: www.ptissem.com/gift Love, Ptissem Probably the worst advice ever.
Especially when you're trying to figure out whether you should leave your marriage. Have you ever tried making one of these things? I have. It goes something like this.. 1. Take the serious, life changing decision you have to make and use it as a title on a fresh piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle. 2. Proceed to fill out all the pros and cons of making said decision on each side of the paper, eagerly awaiting that moment of enlightenment when you'll just *know* which path you should take. 3. Still awaiting enlightenment, you realise you probably need more points on your list for it to be honest and balanced. So you search for more and continue writing. Any minute now and I'll just *know*... 4. ............................................................... 5. I know, the bullet points need weighting. I mean how can you possibly compare 'he snores' (obviously a con), to 'he's a great dad' (pro). They're not equal in weight. I need to look at each point independently and weight it accordingly. 6. Head hurts. I feel like those silly people who shove as many marshmallows as they possibly can into their mouths, for no apparent reason. This feels just as pointless, shoving as many bullet points into my mind as possible, leaving no room whatsoever for the enlightenment I was waiting for. 7. Enlightenment. What's that again? 8. Discard piece of paper, telling yourself your decision is too important to be based on a pros and cons list. Well duh! You don't need a pros and cons list to clutter up your mind even more than it is now. What you *do* need, is to watch my online webinar 'How to know for sure whether or not to leave your marriage'. This short, powerful and eye-opening webinar covers: - The 3 biggest mistakes people make when deciding whether or not to leave their marriage - The #1 reason why we get stuck and are unable to make the decision to stay or leave - The simple mind-set shift that will transform how you see yourself, your partner and your relationship - How to finally gain clarity on whether or not you can still salvage your marriage And did I mention it's totally free. You're welcome :-) Click here to register for the webinar. It could be the most beneficial 30 mins you spend this week, so make this the one decision you do take quickly ;-) Love, Ptissem. Do you ever wish that there could be a product recall, for your husband..?
Like a husband recall? Where you could just package him back up, return him to where you found him and then go back home alone. That feeling of relief that you no longer have a potentially dangerous product in your home, that could break at any moment and cause you harm. Or maybe it wasn’t dangerous, but just not a great fit for you, so being able to return it quibble free is equally relieving. I used to often think that the answer to all my marital problems, would be to just go back in time and not marry my now ex-husband (and if I could keep my kids then that would be perfect). That seemed to me to be the only solution that didn’t involve any drama, heartache or future suffering. But clearly that wasn’t an option outside of my imagination. So instead, I continued to agonise over the decision of whether or not to leave my marriage without ever really coming to a solid conclusion. And when I did finally make a decision, I realised how I could have easily made that same decision much, much earlier, if only I’d known this one simple truth. And to find out about this simple, life changing, problem-solving truth, you’ll need to watch my free online webinar 'How to know for sure whether or not to leave your marriage'. Because let’s face it, although it sounds like a great idea, the husband recall is never gonna happen is it? We’re going to have to deal with this one ourselves ;-) Just click right here to get started: www.ptissem.com/gift Love, Ptissem Remember that movie with Gwyneth Paltrow?
Where we got to see her living parallel lives based on whether or not she missed her train that day? In one life she manages to catch the train home and walks in on her boyfriend cheating on her with his ex. She leaves him. In her other life she misses the train and gets home to find her boyfriend in the shower, alone. Their miserable relationship continues. And so the movie follows how her life unfolds in both scenarios. And yes, she ends up much happier in the first scenario ;-) Have you ever wondered how different your life would be if at a certain point, you hadn’t taken the decision you did? I had one of those moments this week. I was reminded just how much my life had changed because of one decision I made, on a regular Sunday afternoon in London. On that Sunday, I decided I was going to sign up to a year-long coaching programme following a 3 day personal development event. The aim was to help me understand how my mind worked psychologically, and with that relieve me of all my suffering, worries and resentment I felt towards life. And it delivered what it said it would. And much more. And not just for me, but for everyone else that joined the programme. And for those that didn’t sign up that day? Sadly I can see that some of them are still suffering. And the worst thing about this is that it’s completely unnecessary. Because once you truly understand how your mind works, psychological suffering becomes optional. And it’s usually an option you pass on. But when you’re suffering without this knowledge, you can’t see this. You can’t see how easy it actually is to not have to struggle through life, or just survive each day. And you no longer have to look at life’s challenges as these huge obstacles that you doubt you can ever overcome. Life looks much different from the other side. From the side where I did sign up and I did make it a priority to focus on my psychological health. Because when it comes to it, if you’re not psychologically healthy, then what else really matters? So what will it be for you? Are you going to run and catch that train to psychological well-being, peace, contentment and a genuine love for life.....or are you going to let the train leave without you and continue to suffer... You have a choice. Will you step up and make it? Take that first step by booking in a totally free, 1 hour breakthrough session with me. You'll get you clear on exactly what it is you want from life, you'll figure out and start to overcome the challenges that are standing in the way of you moving towards this - and you'll leave the session feeling renewed, re-energised and totally inspired to move towards a place of inner peace, calm and psychological well-being - that you already have inside of you - but which feels lost and hard to find. These free sessions are extremely limited so if you click the link and there is no availability left, it means they've all been taken. Click here to book your free session now. Love, Ptissem |